Status update

I haven't posted anything in a while. There are various reasons for that, like always. I started a new project based on the game jam game I made in January and wanted to make it a full game - but as always, it blew out of proportions.

Meanwhile, I also learned more about why I am like that; like starting new projects all the time and not finishing them. I pretty much suspected it for a long time, but I got it finally diagnosed: I have ADHD. I started learning about it and am in the process of realizing how it has affected me my entire life. Feeling strangely different from other people just from observing is one thing; realizing that there is a group of people that have similar issues and that there is a name for it and that it is not just me being lazy or stupid is a big relief, but also triggering lots of different strong emotions that I am still processing and will be for a while.

On top of that, even though it was not part of the diagnosis, it is also not ruled out that I am on the autism spectrum as well (yay). I am quite certain that this explains a bunch of other things in my life.

To put it short: On the one hand, I enjoy starting new projects and find little joy in finishing them. On the other hand, it makes me nuts that I am not finishing them and feeling lots of guilt and regret that I can't make me do it. Which I understand, from what I have learned, looks like a typical Autism/ADHD struggle. I know that I have some kind of a time threshold within which I can possibly finish projects; it is between 2 and 6 weeks for me. But even then, when coming closer to the end, I start losing interest and find it tremendously hard to motivate myself to finish it. To make matters worse, I just can't find an end even then, because it never even feels anywhere near finished to me because for some things, it just never seems to be good enough, so I deep dive into the details and lose sight of the bigger picture.

I don't know how to handle this. This blog is actually one attempt of managing myself by holding me accountable as well as tracking what I am doing. In regards of finishing, it still doesn't help me much (see the tower defense tutorial series, or all the other posts).

Anyway; that's what is going on with me.

Meanwhile, today was also Boys and Girls Day at my workplace, and I wrote a small coding puzzle game for the kids. You can find it here. It is a simple game where you have to solve coding challenges using a set of very simple instructions. I wrote this in quite a rush, but it seems to be working well. I want at least to note down how it went and what I learned from it, so I can improve it next time - when I am going to inevitably start another new project. The faster I can get it up and running, the higher the chance that I can finish it.

Gotta have to play with the cards I was dealt with.